Essays

A Mandarin Duck Mysteriously Appears in Central Park, to Birders’ Delight

A Mandarin Duck Mysteriously Appears in Central Park, to Birders’ Delight

Good morning, good evening, we’ve got your hottest news about the hottest city New York, the big apple, on the soon to be hottest planet in the damn solar system if this new congress can’t help us out.

The biggest news this week in New York City today?

The hottest fucking duck has appeared in Central Park.

A duck this fucking hot hasn’t been seen in New York since the 1700s, when Alexander Hamilton imported $10 worth of swans (1.5 swans) as a fun prank.

“Of course, $10 in 1773 is about the 2018 equivalent of $1.2 million dollars - honestly you can just SEE why I had to write the musical? THE DUCKS!” commented Lin Manuel Miranda, his left eye erratically twitching as he sprinted away from our reporter.

This all begs the question - WHO IS SHE!

Well sweeties, the question is more like, who is HE  - given the bold display of plumage on this hot little piece of confit, we can identify this absolute smokeshow of a duck as a male mandarin duck.

According to scientists, “The super fucking hot male mandarin duck has the most elaborate and ornate plumage with distinctive long orange feathers on the side of the face, orange 'sails' on the back, and pale orange flanks. The female is dull by comparison.”

Did this scientist do their research, or did they just talk to my ex-husband?

The bright plumage of this devastatingly attractive bird has stirred the opinions of frequent park goers. “As far as the colors are concerned, only nature can provide that,” said Juan Jimenez, a 106-year-old photographer who has been taking pictures of the park for decades. “We could try to paint it, but you won’t be able to. I’ve been in this park for fuckin’ decades, and anyone who has come in here to paint a damn bird has done an absolute shit job. They look like pears with twigs for legs, or worse, they do some bullshit abstract interpretation of the bird and it looks like if Jackson Pollock was born without fingers. Can you imagine that - no fingers, all palms. The gall those ding dong idiotic painters have, to think they could capture to beauty of the noble aviary beast with a simple brush and some paint. HA. Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, the foolish painter thinks he can capture the beauty of a gull or a duck on paper. Such delusions of grandeur only lead to untimely drownings” Jimenez muttered. Of course, lost his hands in a tragic en plein air chainsaw painting accident with Picasso is the 30s.

The news hasn’t just been noticed by everyday New Yorkers, it’s lit up the popular micro-blogging website, Twitter.

“The best thing about the MANDARIN DUCK in Central Park is how excited everyone else is about birds - for once!” tweeted the account “Manhattan Bird Alert.”

“I’ve been alerting Manhattan to their birds for years now, and received little to no fanfare. Until now, no one has really cared about the birds. And on Manhattan, I would say we really have the best birds,” said Peter Shankler, the man behind “Manhattan Bird Alert,” gesturing to three crippled pigeons wheezing puss and eating cigarette butts out of the gutter.

“I mean, who doesn’t like a bird - no arms, two legs, and their mouth is very hard and very long.”

He paused.

“To be frank with you, I would have sex with any bird that offered” he continued, “even one that isn’t from China.” It’s important to note that while fetishizing people of asian descent is a trans-species problem, the root is the same in both cases - white men.

He’s not alone. Pluck’d, an app that matches single men with absolutely bangin’ slampiece birds, has seen an investment of over 10 million dollars from Elon Musk in the last quarter. And big data backs up this investment - the last US census, surprisingly, asked the question “If you had the opportunity, would you fuck a bird?”

A 100% “yes” response was reported.

What could make a duck want to date a human? Well, a little investigative reporting showed that it’s no wonder female ducks are tired of the dating scene round the pond at Central Park. Even the appearance of the squirt inducing visage of the  Mandarin Duck wasn’t enough to perk the interest of Jennifer, a 20-something duck we spoke to on the west end of the pond. “Orange feathers? Who cares. All I want to meet is a mallard without a large corkscrew phallus, lined with ridges and backward-pointing spines, which allows him to deposit this sperm further inside of me than my exes.” She sighed, exhaling cigarette smoke.

Sidebar - this begs the further question - is every male duck is a republican?

This extreme penis position taken by the average male duck is even more unusual when you consider that 97% of bird species lack any penises whatsoever. What stopped them from evolving with a penis not hampered by backward spines, or preferably, evolving with no penis at all? After all; it’s 2018 - silicone can get the job done as well as any non-removable penis, without the accompanying baggage - unless of course it’s 2013 and you’re uhauling with a Lesbian named Emily who drinks bud heavy.

Darwinian musings aside - what’s a female duck to do? Dry hump a clump of frozen moss in the shadows of Central Park until they have a mediocre orgasm they know would be better if they could FINALLY  find a vibrator made to be held properly by their feathery duck appendages rather than hands and then fall asleep next to a half drank glass of chardonnay LIKE EVERY OTHER THURSDAY?

Jennifer has some other ideas.

“I have a date with a pretty nice seeming accountant name Brad lined up next week and I’m looking forward to that,” Jennifer told us. “He was holding a really nice loaf of bread in his profile picture”

Clare Austen-Smith